bobby1933 (bobby1933) wrote,

College Girls -- An Early Opportunity To Be Resentful?

I had a severe stammer for most of my childhood and early adulthood.  It lasted until i was nearly forty; thus i stuttered through sermons, social services casework interviews and college classroom lectures.  It was frustrating and embarassing.  I thought i knew the origin of the stammer, but i was mistaken.
Until i was three years old my famy lived in the Tongass National Forest in Southeastern Alaska.  A temperate rain forest is a beautiful and mysterious place.  My {adopting) father and two other men ran a powerhouse that provided service to a mine some distance away which i never saw.  So the entire world consisted of this small beach, three shacks, and the dark woods surrounding me on three sides.  The shacks were occupied by my father, (adopting) mother and me; one of my mother's brothers, and a young couple.  These five people were my whole world.

An airplane with seven college women and their pilot was forced to land in the channel near us.  The women, probably in their late teens or early twenties were on their first wilderness adventure, exuberant, excited, loud.  I was a cute toddler and got attention, but not all the attention.  My word had more than doubled in population and i was no longer the center of it.  Of course, all i know about this is what i was told later.  I do not know how long the women stayed, but it was long enough to share several meals at our table.

I did not yet understand the concept of an adult conversation in which a small child had no place except as a possible topic.  I tried to join in but was ignored.  I started to cry, and i started to stammer.  I continued to stammer for the next 38 years.

Do i ever think of those women as "mean?"  Did i ever blame them for the many painful experiences that accomanied my inability to communicate verbally?  Of course not.  I was fourteen before i became aware that my stammer was muich of a problem, and forty when i first heard about the college women.  By then i had arranged the  "experiment" in which my stutter was "extinguished."  No cause for resentment here so far as i can tell.

Tags: 4th step, 4th step notes, personal life
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