i am beginning my fourth step using the original AA format, trying to discover who and what i am and how i came to be what i am. I start with my conception:
He was the youngest in a family of at least eleven sons and two daughters. There was a 22 year span between his sister and himself and he was just three or four years older than his sister's younger daughter. He was a normal kid, a good kid, except the way he treated the chickens on his father's farm suggests he might have had a mean streak. Then when he was 18 he raped his 15 year old niece. So, i would have been my mother's nephew, my father's grandnephew and ny grandparents' greatgrandson. Connections to other family members would have been similarly distorted.
It would not have been good for either of us if my mother had tried to keep me. So the neighbor boy allowed his name to go on my birth certificate; i was whisked away from the home birth; and relatives and community were told that i was still born.
Ten years later i was told that i was adopted but given no further information. At age 20, i needed a copy of my birth certificate. The DVS sent the original by mistake which showed the names, ages, and occupations of my mother and the boy next door (who i assumed was my father). I thought about trying to contact her, but never got around to it.
At age 64, i received a birthday card from an aunt which included the name, address, and phone number of my "real parents." I wrote my mother a letter including my date and place of birth and a few facts about my life and said i would like to meet her if she were so inclined. Her reply was matter-of-fact but very welcoming. In one of several subsequent letters she mentioned that neighbor boy now husband (M.) was not my father and she described briefly but substantially (and matter-of-factly) the circumstances of my conception. There was no indiication, then nor subsequently, any resentment or bitterness.
When i visited them the following spring, M was still wary of me; but apparently one look at my nose convinced me that i was indeed my father's child. The visit lasted three days and was very enjoyable for me, and i think for them. I wished they could have raised me.
M asked if i wished to meet my father; he would take me to where he was and introduce us. I thought about it few seconds, then declined. My father was deceased within two years and i was able to find his obituary on the internet. There i learned the very few facts i know about him.
Evidently he was a loving husband and kind father whose two daughters (my half-sisters, etc.) considered him their role model. He nursed his wife through her declining years -- as i did. There was no evidence that he ever apologized to my mother or made any direct amends to her. ff she was ever on his conscience he never seemed to have given any indication of that.
I am aware of no feelings toward him, positive or negative. But can a child -even an autistic one- have NO feelings toward his father --even one he never met? I don't think so! What resents lie deep within me? What unacknowledged forces molded the creature i appear to be?