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i am beginning  my fourth step using the original AA format, trying to discover who and what i am and how i came to be what i am.  I start with my conception:

He was the youngest in a family of at least eleven sons and two daughters.  There was a 22 year span between his sister and himself and he was just three or four years older than his sister's younger daughter.  He was a normal kid, a  good  kid, except the way he treated the chickens on his father's farm suggests he might have had a mean streak.  Then when he was 18 he raped his 15 year old niece.  So, i would have been my mother's nephew, my father's grandnephew and ny grandparents' greatgrandson.  Connections to other family members would have been similarly distorted.

It would not have been good for either of us if my mother had tried to keep me.   So the neighbor boy allowed his name to go on my birth certificate; i was whisked away from the home birth; and relatives and community were told that i was still born.

Ten years later i was told that i was adopted but given no further information.  At age 20, i needed a copy of my birth certificate.  The DVS sent the original by mistake which showed the names, ages, and occupations of my mother and the  boy next door (who i assumed was my father).  I thought about trying to contact her, but never got around to it.

At age 64, i received a birthday card from an aunt which included the name, address, and phone number of my "real parents."  I wrote my mother a  letter including my date and place of birth and a few facts about my life and said i would like to meet her if she were so inclined.  Her reply was matter-of-fact but very welcoming.  In one of several subsequent letters she mentioned that neighbor boy now husband (M.) was not my father and she described briefly but substantially (and matter-of-factly) the circumstances of my conception.  There was no indiication, then nor subsequently, any resentment or bitterness.

When i visited them the  following spring, M was still wary of me; but apparently one look at my nose convinced me that i was indeed my father's child.  The visit lasted three days and was very enjoyable for me, and i think for them.  I wished they could have raised me.

M asked if i wished to meet my father; he would take me to where he was and introduce us.  I thought about it few seconds, then declined.  My father was deceased within two years and  i was able to  find his obituary on the internet.  There i learned the very few facts i know about him.

Evidently he was a loving husband and kind  father whose two daughters (my half-sisters, etc.) considered him their role model.  He nursed his wife through her declining years -- as i did.  There was no evidence that he ever apologized to my mother or made any direct amends to her.  ff she was ever on his conscience he never seemed to have given any indication of that.

I am aware of no feelings toward him, positive or negative.  But can  a child -even an autistic one- have NO feelings toward his father --even one he never met?  I don't think so!  What resents lie deep within me?  What unacknowledged forces molded the creature i appear to be?






Comments

reginaterrae
Jun. 21st, 2017 12:13 pm (UTC)
I am uncomfortable with your sponsor's insistence that you stick with resentment as a starting point. Resentment isn't one of my big weaknesses, either, so this resonates with me. You're liable not to uncover buried resentments, but to manufacture them, looking so hard for them.

I don't know, maybe I'm wrong ...

But yeah, I think you can certainly feel nothing at all about your biological father. You didn't even know he existed until you were 64. Why should you feel anything about him? It is your mother he wronged, and if she forgives, why should you resent? On the contrary, I think you were blessed by discovering and loving your mother and M, and even by what you learned about your father: that he wasn't a complete monster, although he did something very bad and did not overtly repent of it. If he never treated another woman like that, in my eyes it's substantial repentance. Amends would have been nice, but evidently your mother did not require it. Nothing here for you to resent.

Love
R
bobby1933
Jun. 21st, 2017 09:24 pm (UTC)
Hi Regina. It is so good to hear from you. I much regret that i have been so distant from my friends during the past six months.

I appreciate your comments; they are useful and comforting.

Yes, you could be wrong, but more likely you are right.

I am already seeing some results from starting the 4th Step "Bill's way." I have plenty of time and i will try other approaches concurrently or consecutively.

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