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I had not yet read the Bhagavad Gita, or at least i had not yet understood it and had not understood the advice that the god Krishna gave to the warrior Arjuna when the latter had been led to similar conclusion.  That advice, as i understand it, was to do pretty much what you were going to do anyway, but do it with less drama, less ego, less concern for results, less emotion, less judgmentalism; and with more compassion, more acceptance, and more respect for the sacred.  I have not yet totally bought into that, but it seems more correct (more skilled?) as i try it.

At first i tried to ignore the more profound implications of phenomenology.  I had read the novel* by Nancy Wood in which a shaman tried to keep "one foot in the human world and the other in the world of the spirits."  He was not strong enough and fell into an "abyss" between the two worlds.  This abyss was a life of alcoholism, shame and degradation on the margins of the "white" world.  Although he eventually recovered balance and returned to be a spiritual leader of his community.

In spite of his eventual rehabilitation, i was far more impressed by his lifelong suffering.  I did not want to go through anything  like that.  But i was not ready to put "both feet" in the spiritual world.  I had a family to support, so i decided to keep, the best i could, both feet in the material world.

Yet. i was changing.  It was as though Krishna was speaking to me through my subconsciousness and i was beginning slowly to crawl out of my shell (which i learned much later was autism) and starting to be more real. more human, more aware of my surroundings, and more caring.  Soon i was to discover other tools that would make my turn toward spiritualy more possible and more overt.  The first of these tools was philosophical Taoism.

* The Man Who Gave Thunder to the Earth: A Taos Way of Seeing and Understanding. 1976

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bobby1933
bobby1933

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