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4th Step Notes (Stream Of Consciousness)

"(We) made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves."  AA 4th Step


The word "moral" seems odd.  It probably came from The Oxford Group who had an apparant fondness for the word -- they later renamed themslves Moral Rearmament.)  I have no objection to  the term though i would not consider most of what i will be doing here to be moral, immoral, nor amoral.  Some of it, of course, will have moral implications and it  will  all have ethical implications.

I do feel however, as if i am preparing for Holy Reconciliation -- and i have not been to confession in eighty-three years!  Am i up for this?  I was chomping at the bit to get started; but now i am glad that my sponsor is taking my through this step slowly.  We have yet to have our first talk about itl

I am amazed at how little i know myself and how poorly i am prepared for this task.  Dianne was my living journal and my moral compass.  I feel inadequate to talk about myself in her absence.  She was such an important part of  my life, much more than she knew, much more than i knew.

Should i consider my autism as part of my inventory?  I think it has affected my life a lot.  But it is also too easy to try to use it to excuse bad behavior. ( "But i never knew how to interact with people, or to pretend that i knew how to act in public" )  That's bullshit.  I probably just didn't give a  damn.

But reading about the 4th step and talking and liste4ning about in meetings has been rewarding and informative
                                                (to be continued)

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