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Writing anything seems so difficult this month.  My mind is pretty empty right now and most of the few thouhts i do have are negative or nasty.  I hope that the emptiness is a good and productive thing, but it doesn't feel like it.

Well my hearing aids are working fine and my ears are cleaned out, but my basic hearing has deteriorated further (farther?) than two years ago.  I think my vision is deteriorating also, despite successfully holding at bay the macular degeneration.  I begin to wornder if i am too tired and undisciplined to be of further use. (Don't worry, this is not a suicide note, i would never do that.)

It is nice however, to be able to hear well again what is being said in rooms full of people and distractions.

I still think i could push back against old age with a better attitude, exercise, and stronger inner purpose.

I still fear that spiritual search might be an autistic obsession  which will disappear as easity as it came.
Easy come, easy go, they say.  If you fall in love, you can fall out of it.  Love, it is said, is the first and greatest commandment; and i need to inscribe that on my forehead or someplace where i will notice it regularly.

I think i will skip EA tonight, though i feel i am letting N. down by doing so.  I want to watch the beginning of the PBS special on the Greeks.

I feel commited to Thursday night Al Anon, Wednesday afternoons at the shelter, posting on daily_tao (for the next 130 days) and Saturday evening Mass.  Other commitments i will add slowly and judiciously.  I still want to check out the local Zen Buddhist sangha, and the U-U church.  I might commit to EA as well, but not this week.
I've been subsisting for the past month on sandwiches, soups, and TV dinners.  Tonight i will cook a pork chop, and mashed potato, gravy, and a vegetable,  Yum.

Peace, loving kindness, compassion, and joy to (and from) everyone.

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( 15 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 21st, 2016 10:13 pm (UTC)
Grateful you are sharing your journey with us in this difficult time. I remember you everyday and hope you will be strengthened as you continue your journey.
Jun. 22nd, 2016 02:22 am (UTC)
Thank you, and i am grateful that you share your journey.
Jun. 21st, 2016 10:43 pm (UTC)
I feel like there's a river of negativity in the world right now, and I don't know if there's an actual upward trend in ugliness or if I'm paying more attention to it. Either way, it doesn't inspire me to write.

I've also been experiencing a type of emptiness of mind, too. It's been a good thing, and I hope it turns out to be good for you as well.

Edited at 2016-06-21 10:44 pm (UTC)
Jun. 22nd, 2016 02:24 am (UTC)
Thank you.
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 24th, 2016 10:58 pm (UTC)
Thank you for your comment.
As i reread this entry, i see that i seem depressed. Actually, o don't think that i am. Oh, i have depression, but meication keeps it well under control

And i hope that you soon will be feeling better.
Jun. 30th, 2016 06:56 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I seemed to have perked up a bit but it's just something I constantly look and think back to. I've always kinda been this way and most of the times me pushes me to attempt to bring more positivity to this world, other times I just feel like I'm fading. Ah, I see..I rarely let even know people how I truly feel or see the world but obviously find comfort in letting a stranger know since I know don't owe them to try to be happy and all smiles like I would a close family member or friend...

Thanks again for the good wishes I hope everything continues in a positive manner for you!
Jun. 22nd, 2016 12:21 am (UTC)
I want to see that PBS special, too! Alas, it is scout night.

And I think Chun Woo would like it.

I am now going to be insolent, because I myself so dislike having my mind silt up with nasty thoughts. (I have no personal interest in emptying my mind, though, and I'm sure that affects what I'm about to suggest. My insolence is in suggesting.) Might you give your mind some nice enjoyable non-nasty chaw? Like, for example, those Greeks.

Wishing you well, always.
Jun. 22nd, 2016 02:25 am (UTC)
Re: *love*
Thank you, <3
(Deleted comment)
Jun. 22nd, 2016 09:59 pm (UTC)
Yes. I was so into anthropology, psychology, and sociology/ That i really short changed myself on the humanities and ancient history. I was so ignorant about the Greeks that i learned a lot last night. A friend of a friend seems much into Minoan art and now i have at least a small appreciation of where she is coming from.
Jun. 23rd, 2016 01:58 am (UTC)
I was lucky enough to visit Knossos in 2007....
Jun. 23rd, 2016 02:08 am (UTC)
Nice!! :)
Jun. 24th, 2016 03:11 am (UTC)

I still fear that spiritual search might be an autistic obsession  which will disappear as easity as it came.

Easy come, easy go, they say.  If you fall in love, you can fall out of it.

This is the advantage we have who believe in God as a "person"....  My spiritual search might be autistic perseveration, but Godis real whether or not I search for Him ... and is always ready to be found, again. I can neglect God, I can even fall out of love, but if I do He (unlike a human love) doesn't hold it against me, He is always still in love with me and ready to take me back. This is a relationship, not something that happens only within the human self.

Jun. 24th, 2016 06:42 am (UTC)
I hear you and i acknowledge the value of having personal relationship with a Higher Power. I also accept Tillich's aphorism that God is not less than a person. If i had
discovered the the Christian neo-Platonist God earlier. i might not have found the Tao so freeing when i discovered it. I am also happy that mysticism is so universal that Western mystics can so easily communicate with Asian (and other) mystics.
Jun. 24th, 2016 11:18 am (UTC)

So is it that you believe in God as a person, but lack any subjective experience of God? Though you do have mystical experience, and as you say Western and Eastern forms are not opposed. Might I call them God-centered and soul-centered? or the Western Divine Person and an Eastern impersonal but universal Divine nature or, say, a Divine stratum of existence? I'm afraid I don't know much about Tao other than what I read in your journal. But if it/He exists, then it doesn't matter whether your search for it is an autistic perseveration or a settled way of life. The search is not its own object.

There is Grace, it doesn't all depend on us. I have been finding bliss in contemplation again recently, a sense of intimacy with God. Just two days ago I wrote about it to Brendan, and that I was feeling drawn to cherish it by more consciously guarding my contemplative solitude, and as a result I might not be writing to him as often, though I still wished to stay in touch. And then I had a crappy day yesterday, pissy mood, impatient, scattered, restless -- and I felt chastised for trying, as usual, to grab hold and take control of Love, as if it were my own contemplative practice that makes it happen. Instead of just accepting it with gratitude as Someone Else's gift to me.

I'm glad you're still making the effort to journal, even though it's challenging these days.


Jun. 24th, 2016 08:16 pm (UTC)
I confess that grace has not been much a part of my spiritual vocabulary. Thanks to and Bardcat and others, i am coming more into an appreciation of it.

I mean when somebody like Thomas Merton went to Asia he could communicate with Buddhist monks at what seems to have been a very deep level without having to translate from Western to Eastern culture. Or as some of the Sufis suggest: there is a religion of theology which divides and a religion of love which unifies. That religion of love is not called Islam (or Christianity, or Buddhism, etcetera.}

I just posted a little "credo" that i hope explains me a little better.
( 15 comments — Leave a comment )



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