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Use it or loose it.  Of all the remarkable things about Mohammed Ali, perhaps the most remarkable was that he quit boxing for four years and was able to return in championship form.  I, on the other hand, get ristu real quick, if i neglect to brush my teeth two nights in a row, i find myself not brushing for a month and then truing to establish the habit from scratch.  Right now i am not in  "championship form" for anything and people who seem to be doing well are annoying the hell out of me!

Meditation has lapsed almost to the vanishing point and my prayers have lost the sense of  any kind of connection with a Higher Power.  I know its sloth,  acedie.  There are long periods of silence, and even emptiness, but it seems a pointless emptiness, absence without compensatory fullness, a mini dark night.  There is an al anon meeting tonight and if the occasion arises i may bring this up.

I continue to feel Dianne's  presence and i enjoy that, and i acknowledge it when i sense it.  But i am not clinging to her.  Sometimes, upon waking, i forget she is dead, but usually i just feel her around me.  When the feeling comes, i am happy; when  it leaves, i accept it,  I am thankful that it happens but i don't expect it,

I need an "outer purpose," and i think i might find it at the day shelter.  I haven't been back yet.  I miight go today.  It is still early.

Equanimity, Loving kindness, Compassion, and Joy to all.

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( 10 comments — Leave a comment )
Jun. 9th, 2016 04:37 pm (UTC)
I have only had maybe 2-3 occasions when I felt something that was like my son's aura or presence with me, and it was brief but so wonderful; later of course I second-guessed it and decided that it was just wistful thinking on my part, but a part of me still wishes to believe it WAS his spirit visiting me to offer me some comfort. It's been almost 9 months now since he died, and I have not once in that time felt or been able to pray to God, to any Deity out there; but I do sometimes have days where I can read Buddhist sutras or study the Noble Eightfold Path or read some lovely Pema books and those comfort me and make me feel close to my son, who loved Buddhism's teachings so much. Then I have days where I feel suffocated and bleak and lost in a void of nothingness, and I grow so tired of my own 'self,' of this body and this personality and I just wish to leave it all behind because it all feels so heavy. I used to fear death because what if it means utter annihilation, what if there IS nothing beyond this life and what if each of us does NOT possess a unique, discrete soul that lives on still recognizable as the person we were here on earth? To me that was so threatening and scary. But now, even though my ego fights to live on and wants to always be present and aware, the weary part of me thinks it wouldn't be so terrible to just not BE anymore once I die. If I am just gone, I won't know it anyway and to me that still beats the Christian idea of Hell and eternal damnation while being conscious of it the whole time. What makes me sad is the notion that all the ones I love might also cease to exist and that I might never be reunited with them again, especially my son and my mom. How dearly I would love to fellowship with them in some capacity beyond this life and these frail human bodies; but I truly don't know what the Truth is. I just get up and breathe each day, breathe from the time I open my eyes till I lie down to sleep, and in between I sometimes rest in silence and peace and sometimes the days are filled with despair and stress. The only constant thing is the breathing, which slows time to a strangely surreal, eternal Present sensation like being in a bubble. Sorry for rambling, just sharing that my own grief journey has had those same empty, dark days; it's good that you ARE aware you need to go out, to interact with others, to do things. I've gone to lunch a couple of times with an old friend from work, my friend Dale has dropped by several times for visits and go help my ex mom-in-law several times a week. Just recently I started walking my dogs again, which I haven't done since Daniel died, and they get so excited and I need the exercise. But it's hard because Marissa can't keep up and I don't like leaving her alone in the house, even for a short 15-20 minute walk with the dogs. She can walk with me if I only take the older dog, he's slow enough she can keep up; but she can't keep up at all with Max, the heeler, so if I walk him or both dogs at once I have to leave Marissa behind or drop her over at her grandma's first, then come back and walk the dogs and then go pick her up again. But I know if I just stay in the house for days on end I begin to have bad panic attacks when I do go out again and I become agoraphobic and even more depressed.
Jun. 9th, 2016 09:50 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
(((Prayer for healing)))
((Metta prayer for everything))
Jun. 9th, 2016 08:51 pm (UTC)
Your life has changed radically. Perhaps one of the times you feel Dianne's presence, she will give you a shove and you will get moving again towards an outer purpose.

Kindness, always kindness.

Edited at 2016-06-09 08:52 pm (UTC)
Jun. 9th, 2016 09:52 pm (UTC)

thank you, Donna.

Yes, kindness!
Jun. 9th, 2016 11:38 pm (UTC)
Thank you for posting.

It's hard even to hear new rhythms, let alone dance to them.
Jun. 10th, 2016 08:26 pm (UTC)
Yes! Thank you.
Jun. 10th, 2016 02:05 am (UTC)
This is a time of transition and not meant to be comfortable. You will find your way.

I'm glad you can feel Dianne's presence.

Jun. 10th, 2016 08:28 pm (UTC)
Thank you. _?\_
Jun. 10th, 2016 07:06 pm (UTC)
You are doing really well, I think, my brother, in heart-breaking circumstances. I am happy to hear about your Al-Anon group, and look forward to a report of "12th-stepping" at the day shelter.

Jun. 10th, 2016 08:30 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Regina.
I will remember to share
the ups and the downs.

( 10 comments — Leave a comment )



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