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Update Update - I Cry


I think i am almost ready to restart my life.  But not today.  I am about half dressed, i am eating, i am resting, i am picking up a bit of the clutter, i am crying, and i am reading.  I haven't read much in the last sixteen years, and very little fiction --maybe about three novels every two years.  The last one was 5 months ago, the one before that nearly two years ago.  I don't know why i don't read more.  I used to enjoy reading.  My vision is getting bad for one thing.

The book i am reading now was selected from a half-hour's search of a thrift store.  It is my favorite "genre:"  Murder (usually) mysteries are solved by Native American detectives on or near Indian reservations.  Just like most men read Playboy for the articles, i read these mostly for the ethnic cultural information i pick up.

I am  reading Grandmother Spider, by James D. Doss.  His novels are set on or near the Southern Ute Reservation.  One minute i am reading second rate fiction with corny dialogue, the next i am in Southwestern Colorado following suspicious or frightened or inquisitive people around.  He beautifully evokes the geography and lanscape in what seems to be a very accurate depiction


This morning i found myself sobbing, no tears, but the first real signs of what i would call grief.  The sobbing noises seemed to come from my gut and they were involuntary,  I suppose they lasted about three minutes.
I felt loss, i felt pain, i felt the pain of loss.  I felt really good  to feel those things.

Afterwards i apologized.  Dianne did not cry and did not like when i cried.  I didn't blame her.  My very rare crying fits (maybe four in 55 years) were usually signs of a weakness that frightened her,  She needed a strong man, one who could stand by a strong, stubborn and courageous woman,  But i did not feel weak today, i felt that the sobbing was appropriate and i almost wish there had been tears.

Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
pondhopper
May. 30th, 2016 11:16 pm (UTC)
Crying takes many forms and not all of them involve tears. Sometimes I know I'm crying inside but nothing shows on the outside. When the grief washes over you, let it, my friend. It does feel good to just feel.

And tears are not a sign of weakness. They're an expression of pain, grief, sadness and even happiness.
cathy_edgett
May. 31st, 2016 02:32 am (UTC)
I'm glad you can cry. Tears are liquid love. It is good to cry.
amaebi
May. 31st, 2016 03:36 am (UTC)
I wish you everything good.
(Deleted comment)
bardcat
May. 31st, 2016 05:21 pm (UTC)
Pulling for you during this very difficult season of grief. Peace, dear friend.
opakele
Jun. 1st, 2016 12:54 am (UTC)
Some things you have to go through. You can't go over, under, or around...you got to go through.

Crying helps the journey.

Peace.
abendstille
Jun. 6th, 2016 11:16 am (UTC)
I think it's great that you could cry, Bobby. I also think from where Dianne is now she doesn't need you to be strong all the time any longer and she is fine with you crying.
elainegrey
Jun. 11th, 2016 11:48 pm (UTC)
I've been holding you in the Light, even though i have not been reading. I'm glad to hear you've found time to grieve, sorry to hear that your local Quakers are those that have strayed from the Waiting worship, and i hope that your time at the shelter is meaningful.

With Love

j
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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