bobby1933 (bobby1933) wrote,

Daily Writing

Dianne's younger brother is coming rapidly nearer his death, or at least the end of this incarnation.  Her great weakness and immobility deepen her grief.  I am grateful that i can understand her grief, that my presence can give her some comfort.  Part of the reason i could not mourn my parents and deceased siblings was my autism. I could understand intellectually why people would morn but i could never feel grief at an emotional level.  I just get uncomfortable like i always do when the reasons for humans' behavior escapes me, as it almost always does.  Dianne is one of the few people who can make me feel normal for long stretches of time.  I owe her everything and cannot help but stand by her in grief and joy, illness and health-- for worse or better as they say in the wedding ceremonies.  But today was a step backward.  The VPAP adjustment did not seem to solve completely the problem of decreased oxygenation level during sleep.

What does the empty mind do while it is waiting to be filled with nothingness, being, bliss, enlightenment, or divinity?  I guess it waits  I am fairly certain it does not spend its time working puzzles, yet even puzzles can stimulate thought so the quiet mind is not really very quiet.  Someone said that when he meditated he felt as though a crazed monkey was bouncing around inside his skull, and that resonated with me and resonates with me now.  Doing non-doing is relatively easy if you are lazy as i am; thinking non-thinking is a much greater challenge.  Yet somehow i feel that i am attaining that condition more lately.  The struggle to get through the day does require focus, but not much thought.  I find i lack the time, inclination, or energy to think.  This bothers me but i think i should be grateful for it.  The empty mind is the preferred option for Taoists and other wise people.
Tags: meditation, mind, mindfulness, personal life
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