Log in

No account? Create an account

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Daily Writing

Dianne's younger brother is coming rapidly nearer his death, or at least the end of this incarnation.  Her great weakness and immobility deepen her grief.  I am grateful that i can understand her grief, that my presence can give her some comfort.  Part of the reason i could not mourn my parents and deceased siblings was my autism. I could understand intellectually why people would morn but i could never feel grief at an emotional level.  I just get uncomfortable like i always do when the reasons for humans' behavior escapes me, as it almost always does.  Dianne is one of the few people who can make me feel normal for long stretches of time.  I owe her everything and cannot help but stand by her in grief and joy, illness and health-- for worse or better as they say in the wedding ceremonies.  But today was a step backward.  The VPAP adjustment did not seem to solve completely the problem of decreased oxygenation level during sleep.

What does the empty mind do while it is waiting to be filled with nothingness, being, bliss, enlightenment, or divinity?  I guess it waits  I am fairly certain it does not spend its time working puzzles, yet even puzzles can stimulate thought so the quiet mind is not really very quiet.  Someone said that when he meditated he felt as though a crazed monkey was bouncing around inside his skull, and that resonated with me and resonates with me now.  Doing non-doing is relatively easy if you are lazy as i am; thinking non-thinking is a much greater challenge.  Yet somehow i feel that i am attaining that condition more lately.  The struggle to get through the day does require focus, but not much thought.  I find i lack the time, inclination, or energy to think.  This bothers me but i think i should be grateful for it.  The empty mind is the preferred option for Taoists and other wise people.


( 13 comments — Leave a comment )
Aug. 29th, 2013 09:25 am (UTC)
I am so glad Dianne and you have each other and that you both provide strength and comfort and support and encouragement to each other.
Aug. 29th, 2013 05:13 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Jeff.
Aug. 29th, 2013 10:22 am (UTC)
Do you prefer the classic emptied mind of meditation on a doctrinal or on an experiential basis?
Aug. 29th, 2013 05:11 pm (UTC)
I hope its not doctrinal!! But it can't be very experiential either; of my forty-two million plus minutes, i have spent, at most, five or ten in mindful mindlessness.
I guess i could say it is "vicariously experiential." People who i otherwise trust and respect have assured me of the possibility and the wisdom of this condition. Especially Jill Bolte Taylor who achieved in an instant (after having half her brain, which partially contains the ability to "mind" lost to her because of a stroke) what others have obtained through prolonged and disciplined means.
Aug. 29th, 2013 09:32 pm (UTC)
I was rather disappointed in that aspect of Bolte Taylor's book, unfortunately.

I asked because while I've enjoyed my relatively few periods of lucid emptiness, I haven't enjoyed them more, nor felt more in them, than in the active but tranquil state that is most normal for me-- and for which I'm very lucky.

I do dislike fretting, obsessing, and repetitive rehashing. But happily for me, those are unusual states for me....
Aug. 29th, 2013 11:28 pm (UTC)
For me, the "goal" is enlightenment, or wisdom, or "salvation" or compassion. Altered states of consciousness or nonconsciousness are, it seems to me, means to ends -- as are all doctrines, formulas, etc.
People following outward paths seem always to be encountering resistance or hostility from those following other paths. The ends are sacrificed to the means as these outer conflicts become central. People on the inward path face resistance also, but it is usually cultural or self imposed. I much prefer fighting inner demons to fighting external enemies. So i seek guidance along these inward and sometimes pathless paths, which includes various kinds of emptying and emptiness experiences.

I know that an active life is said to be important and naval gazing is frowned on. But according to Huxley, this is a modern perspective to which, sadly, the world is becoming addicted. If action flows from a spiritual perspective and does not lose sight of that perspective, then little harm may be done.
Aug. 30th, 2013 03:00 am (UTC)
I suspect that it depends on what the contents of the navel are, or perhaps what one is looking to find there! Your navel sounds, from the echoes I hear over here, pleasingly resonant, and I think I perceive a glint of nacre. :)
Aug. 30th, 2013 06:39 am (UTC)
LOL. Not so fast, there, the "pearl" may be cultured, or even fake.
Aug. 30th, 2013 10:42 am (UTC)
I suspect it can get real. :D
Aug. 29th, 2013 03:06 pm (UTC)
I am so impressed with you and Dianne and what you are sharing and I know it's hard and you are doing it.

On non-thinking, when I began this silent retreat, I was thinking, "ah, silence," but then, I realize how much my mind is going, going, going. I was not silent at all, but then, as the days passed, silence came, and I believe I had moments of "no-mind", or so I like to believe.

My thoughts are with the two of you. It is so difficult, what you are doing, but know you have support from afar.
Aug. 29th, 2013 05:17 pm (UTC)
Thank you, Cathy.

I think i may have had such moments also, though very few. Some were quite scary at the time, but all are greatly treasured in retrospect. I am obviously not in control of such moments, but i pray for their return.

Edited at 2013-08-29 05:18 pm (UTC)
Aug. 29th, 2013 11:12 pm (UTC)
I, too, pray for their return. May it be so, and I accept knowing enough, so I'm grateful, also, for what I have.
Aug. 31st, 2013 04:59 am (UTC)
There is an assumption in your question about what the mind does. Who says it has to wait? It is my experience that the minute space is made in the mind, by reducing the frantic thought-population, the joy arrives. It fills in like air into a vacuum.

As for your time tending to this dying man and his sister your friend.....it sounds good. Good for everyone involved.

Edited at 2013-08-31 05:01 am (UTC)
( 13 comments — Leave a comment )



Latest Month

August 2019


Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow