May 4th, 2012

A Tiring Morning

Dianne went down for a nap at 1300 hours and i have been reading my Friends Page and commenting on the very few recent posts i had the energy for.  How can we both be worn out before the afternoon has barely begun?   Dianne has been having headaches of an unusual nature and intensity.  The morning was spent determining that this is not glaucoma or anything else eye related.  But at the best of times she tires easily, and i feel a little guilty for leaving for as short a time as two hours for a Catholic Worker meeting or a grocery shopping trip.  The idea that we will be able to pursue independent goals, at least to the extent that this would require us to be apart from each other for (say) a half day seems more and more a fantasy   And my final service to humanity may just be giving what care i can to her.  Since this is the most logical and reasonable outlook for the next few years, it is probably best that i accept that and treat anything more as a pleasant surprise.

But before i start feeling sorry for myself i should enumerate some of the many positive elements involved in this eventuality.  First, Dianne truly loves me and i believe i am as close to loving her as is possible given my autism.  I can think of nothing better than spending the remainder of my life with her,  Then, my inner life is incredibly rich.  I do not bore easily; and if i am bored at the moment, ten minutes from now a new bug will crawl up my butt sending me on a hour, day, week, or month long search for the answer to some strange question.  Only the mind truly travels and has adventures; sometimes the body is able to follow, sometimes not but that is pretty irrelevant.  Third, and most important, i think i am getting ready to enter into the silence.  The stumbling blocks that i have thrown into my path are either diminishing in size or appearing more as stepping stones.  My LJ friends who have watched me throw these blocks in my path, and patiently and lovingly reminded  me that that is what i have been doing, deserve my gratitude.  And you have it, whether you know who you are or not.