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April 1st, 2012

Dreaming Anxieties

A couple of nights ago i had a vivid dream.  It is unusual for me to remember a dream; i almost never think about it a day or two later.  Almost all my dreams have a common theme: I am chasing something i can't quite catch or fleeing something i can't quite get away from.  This was a "chasing" dream.  I was somewhere, with somebody(s), doing something, and looking for something (I think it was my wife and kids -- so i was younger)  I "knew" where i wanted to go, but it would be a very long walk (hundreds, if not thousands, of miles) and i had no resources, spiritual, intellectual, emotional, nor (especially) material.  I could not seem to get started in the right direction and i kept losing stuff--my sleeping bag, my backpack, my wallet, (i think) my shoes), perhaps even my clothing.   Every time i took notice, something else was gone.  I was frustrated and on the edge of dread.  There was something odd, something surreal, but it was not a dream.  It was more like being on another planet or in a different dimension, maybe a "parallel" reality.
I awoke several times during the night, as i usually do, and each time it was from this same dream.  Very similar to my other dreams but very different.  "The edge of dread" was less sharp than usually.  I knew that i was afraid but that i was not afraid of being afraid.  I think the dream might have something to do with my "spiritual search," but i have no idea what.

"Wife and kids" (not Dianne and E and K1 and K2) may symbolize "home."  The "losses" seem pretty straight forward.  The aimless wandering and wondering might be a suggestion that i get more disciplined.  Whether or not that is what the dream was about it seems like a good idea.  Everyone else seems so purposeful.

"...But i alone am dull and stupid.
Oh, i drift like the waves of the sea,
Without direction like the restless wind.

Everyone else is busy,
but i alone am aimless and depressed
I am different...."
  --Tao Te Ching, 20.

But am i also being nourished by the great mother?
Yes, i think i am.



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