March 21st, 2010

How its going

She: What are we going to do?
He: We are going to make it!

Last night we went to Mass, then to dinner at Sizzler's.  This is the first time Dianne has been out of the house in four months that wasn't  for the purpose of treating a medical problem.  During dinner I thought she looked uncomfortable and said so.  She said that she was enjoying her food so much that she was forgetting to breathe.

After church, people in their seventies and eighties were offering to assist us getting into our car,  It has suddenly occurred to me that other people think we are old and that old people are subject to increasing losses of privileges, independence,, options and futures.  I find myself going gentle into this good night, not out of acceptance but out of unawareness.  Age is running up on me--running up on us.

I have always been young looking, immature perhaps in body and mind.  I occasionally got "carded" in my mid thirties and early forties.  Therefore, I was totally unprepared for the first time I was asked if I wanted the "senior citizens' discount"  (It was at a Skipper's in Bellevue, Washington in 1995).

Friday, Dianne almost fell while walking back from the bathroom.  It took all the energy and ingenuity either of us had to prevent it.  Nowadays a fall is followed by a 911 call which is followed by a trip to the hospital.  One bit of carelessness and I could loose her (and I am a very careless guy).  Other people are probably already thinking: "Shouldn't they be in assisted living?"  Shouldn't she be in a nursing home?"

Threescore and ten are the years allotted to a man, so both of us, by that standard, are on borrowed time.  But our minds are young.  No, we don't understand youth culture, but I am still thinking about what I would like to be when I grow up.  Its not our mortality that I can;t face, its being old with diminished competence in several areas.  It sucks and its scary.