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I said i was going to do some writing today, and i will.  Mu fingers are on the computer keyboard while my eyes wait to see what appears on the page.  The preceeding sentence(s) is(are) what has appeared during the past half hour.

Monday (six days ago) it started to snow heavily and i crawled into my squirrel hole.  I am still there, sticking my head out once in a while to check for newspaper or mail.  Wednesday, i did not go to the homeless shelter which was my only firm committment during the week.  Inside my "hole" i haven;t done much.

The best way i can characterize my "mood" over the last week is that i feel empty.  Emptiness is an interesting feeling, neither bad nor good.  It feels like total acceptance of whatever is or seems to be.  At the same time it feeks hollow, like it should be filled with "something."

Contemporary Taoist practice sees emptiness as the essential nature of my True Self, and a major goal is for me to realize it.  Well, i think i realize it.*  Now what?  Also, i am fairly recently widowed and a "Dianne shaped hole," has openned up inside me.  I suppose that this is part of the grieving proceess and cannot be expected to last.  Emptiness certainluinly does not feel like bliss, but then i don't know what it is supposed to feel like.  But emotions are as ephemeral as thoughts and not part of the True Self.

I think that the main thing that is missing might be ego.  I feel it whining pitifully in the background but it no longer has the power to claim it is me. or at least not my True Self.  I have prayed to the Tao for emptiness and to my 12-step Higher Power for "relief from the bondage of self."  Could thos prayers be being answered?  I shall see.

Incidently, empty used to mean ""leisure," (Old English aementa) and before that "to take appropriate measures" (PEI. med-).   Med- gives us a plethora of words including medicine, remedy, modify, accomodate, and meditate.

If i am correct, and this is part of a spiritual transformtion, i should soon see the  void start  to fill with compassion and wisdom.  Otherwise, it is still not too late to start over.

* Thanks in large part to reading Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth, 2005

Comments

( 14 comments — Leave a comment )
maadmike
Jan. 8th, 2017 12:17 am (UTC)
I have been reading that an emptiness has a big meaning, but I am not big enough to have an understanding.
bobby1933
Jan. 8th, 2017 01:08 am (UTC)
I don't understand it either, Mike. The more i get into spiritual stuff, the more i encounter paradox and the more i consider possibilities that are impossible to get my mind around.
I have decided that it is worth living with this confusion and accepting that i don't, and might never, understand it
maadmike
Jan. 8th, 2017 01:26 am (UTC)
Yeah, the process of thinking, moving somewhere, surreal goal are better than destination which rather doesn't exist...
laurainlimbo
Jan. 8th, 2017 03:30 am (UTC)
when it's cold I want to hibernate too. Lots to do though.
bobby1933
Jan. 8th, 2017 05:11 am (UTC)
When one is of "advanced" age (the meaning of advanced varying with each user of the term). he or she may be given a lot of leeway when it comes to meeting expectations. :)
reginaterrae
Jan. 8th, 2017 03:47 am (UTC)
It might be that the compassion and wisdom are more visible from outside ... maybe you can hold more of them if you are more empty, but you certainly seem to have more than most of us, already.

Love
bobby1933
Jan. 8th, 2017 05:14 am (UTC)
The truly good man does not that he is good." Tao Te Ching :)
elainegrey
Jan. 8th, 2017 02:43 pm (UTC)
Just wanted to let you know i read, think i understand, and appreciate the discomfort and value of being in the state you describe.
bobby1933
Jan. 8th, 2017 04:36 pm (UTC)
Thank you. You do understand!
amaebi
Jan. 8th, 2017 05:09 pm (UTC)
So is the emptiness you are now experiencing, as you are now experiencing it, meeting your expectations or desires?
bobby1933
Jan. 8th, 2017 05:15 pm (UTC)
LOL. I love you!
and thank you!

Edited at 2017-01-08 05:17 pm (UTC)
amaebi
Jan. 8th, 2017 05:22 pm (UTC)
I love you too! :D

I was/am also really curious. :D
bobby1933
Jan. 8th, 2017 06:35 pm (UTC)
I am sorry. You hit on the "big no no" of each of my traditions: desire (Taoism) and expectations (Al Anon). I assumed we were sharing a private joke' at least i thought it was funny.

I find it hard to be more explicit than i was in my post. How do i tell the difference between "spiritual poverty" and an unhealed wound? Sometimes i think that if i were a better person i would be able to tell the difference. Perhaps there is no difference. If thoughts and emotions are both unreliable guides, then what i think or feel doesn't matter.

A friend says that when she has a conflict between her head and her heart, she lets her gut be the negotiator. I have trouble that because i think the heart should be the arbiter. Trouble is: i have no idea how to read my heart!

I "expected" that if i found emptiness or enlightenment or wisdom this side of the grave it would require much more searching and discipline than i have been willing to expend.

I "desire" to be free of desires; but if i desire that freedom to much it becomes like any other desire, an impediment to peace and serenity.

I am content to wait and see how my emptiness progresses.
amaebi
Jan. 8th, 2017 08:21 pm (UTC)
*LAUGH*

Ah, well, maybe what I've heard you express is un-desire of non-expecteds. :D
( 14 comments — Leave a comment )

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