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My "cut" icon is suddenly working again.  Hooraay!

My appointement with Dr. H. (opthalmologist) got cancelled today, but not before i had cleaned myself up and put on some decent clothes both of which i would have put off doing until whenever.  Older daughter came by to visit and i was presentable so the cancelled appointment was a double blessing.
Younger daughter will be in town late next week and i expect the three of us will  do some stuff.  I love them more than i love my aloneness, so it will be good.

The silence and emptiness remain, and i cannot tell whether it is grief, spiritual growth, or laziness.  Most likely it is a combination of the three.  I will call it spiritual growth because otherwise my ego will nag me until i get up and do something i really don't want to do and will serve no purpose other than to feed it.  God, that thing is hungry!  It prefers to remain incognito while getting me to do whatever it wants me to do.  But if i am aware of it, it will use that awareness to "drive me to exhaustion." as Jos Stabbert might say.  Since i still do not have a clear channel to my True Self, i follow the advice of my friends to "do what feels right."

Right now, nothing much feels right; but not much feels wrong, either.  Doing nothing seems less and
less wrong, which is possibly a message from the universe.  If Rolf Jacobsen's poem is right, we should all sleep more and pretend to be asleep much of the rest of the time.

I have long been at peace with (in) silence.  Now it is time to start making friends with emptiness.

Equanimity, loving kindness, compassion, and joy!

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Comments

( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
amaebi
Jul. 12th, 2016 11:39 pm (UTC)
But beware the kiss of the vacuum.
bobby1933
Jul. 13th, 2016 01:06 am (UTC)
Yes, i hear vacuums suck.

No worries. :)
reginaterrae
Jul. 13th, 2016 02:41 am (UTC)

LOL!  Oh lord, for some reason that just hit my funny bone, just right.


I'm usually the Maturin type, but this is definitely a Jack Aubrey moment :-D        (have you read Patrick O'Brian?)

bobby1933
Jul. 13th, 2016 03:14 am (UTC)
I have not read Patrick O.Brian: nor had i encounter Jack Aubrey in book, movie or TV. But only now do i get the significance of Mary Ann's comment, and i am laughing also.
opakele
Jul. 13th, 2016 01:40 am (UTC)
The emptiness may be your best work.

We are our own worst enemy.

You are doing great.
bobby1933
Jul. 13th, 2016 03:15 am (UTC)
Thank you. I trust that you are right.
reginaterrae
Jul. 13th, 2016 02:49 am (UTC)

I'm glad you got up and washed and dressed. I recommend some kind of mindless (or low-level mind) manual labor. This is old monastic tradition: Doing something with your hands that allows your mind to detach and contemplate, while avoiding the danger of emptiness as idleness, turning to acedia or dejection or that sucky vacuum.... Some people knit, or ... wait for it ... vacuum (sorry), or iron, or garden, or make model airplanes, whatever floats your boat. Housework or yard work, or whatever. However much works for you, maybe an hour in the morning and another hour in the afternoon.


The Christian ancient monastic ideal is a balance of [manual] work, study, and prayer. Each feeds and supports the others.


Love
R

bobby1933
Jul. 13th, 2016 03:25 am (UTC)
Yes, i have looked at solitarybird's plan for her hermit vocation and at the daily schedules for a couple of monasteries and am taking guidance from them. Because of my age i will start with a light schedule and much of the "work" time might be spent at light exercise (Tai Chi?) and volunteering at Corpus Christi House.

Thank you, love.
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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