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Spiritual Meme Question Twenty-Two

22--Have any defense mechanisms you have created that seemed good at the time you created them turned inside out with time? If so, how do you notice the have and how do you work to put them right again/stop using them.



This was the first question that i saw for this meme.  I thought belenen's response was insightful and courageous, and i wanted to try my hand at it, although i had no idea at the time what i would say.

I think i am autistic and was so from birth, there is also circumstantial but strong evidence that i was emotionally abused.  In both cases. a child's natural reaction is to flee; but flight may be impossible for physical and legal reasons. and the "escape" must take other forms.

In my case the escape was intellectual.  "They" may be bigger, meaner, and more powerful than i but i am "smarter."  I read, i studied, i thought, i experimented, i wrote and dreamed.  I tried to sing and compose but found i had no ear.  (Ouch!  That brings back a memory i may want to post on!).  Later a Freudian therapist told me that my choice of an acadenic carreer was "overdetermined"    It was not just something that i was able to do and wanted to do. It was something i had to do if i wanted to keep pretending that i was a valuable member of my society.

This intellectualization, the objectification of the world and its sentient beings got me into trouble from the very beginning although i did not realize it until i was an adult.  On his deathbed my dad told Dianne (in a last ditch effort to save his grandson from a similar fate) that he was so frightened by my inellect that :"I tried to destroy him with my mouth."

Though it gave me a career that i dearly loved, my over/mis use of my intellect almost cost me my marriage. and possibly a multitude of frienships throughout my life.  Using one's mind as a weapon (even a supposedly defensive one) is not accepted graciously by its victims.

A spiritual jouirney is not an intellectual journey, and while i often forget that, i sometimes remember it.  A recent online "personality test" suggested that i was more into feeling than thinking.  That was a shock, but a pleasant one.  The idea that the genius and the imbecile are equal in "the sight of the Lord,"  which has always been my belief, may have finally taken root at the emotional level, and at the heart level.


Writing prompts: only ones that would be hard for you to answer please! {FULL!} - the eclectic ecstasy of an ecphorizing eccentric

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( 2 comments — Leave a comment )
blue_eye
Feb. 28th, 2016 01:14 am (UTC)
Have any defense mechanisms you have created that seemed good at the time you created them turned inside out with time? If so, how do you notice the have and how do you work to put them right again/stop using them.

I never look forward to anything. This way, if nothing comes to fruition, I won't get disappointed. It works for me on the back end, as my expectations are always low, but I sometimes would like the giddy expectation.

I never tried to combat it, as it is hardwired in my at this point.
bobby1933
Feb. 28th, 2016 01:46 am (UTC)
Looked at one way, that sounds like a defense mechanism.
Looked at another way it sounds like mature spiritual approach.
( 2 comments — Leave a comment )

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